Thirteen years ago, I almost died… & it changed the course of my life forever.
[CW: accident/physical trauma]
I was heading down to rehearse for a queer, independent film I was acting in at the time. I didn’t have a car, so I was catching a bus to the train station. It was cold & rainy out, so I put on my big blue coat & headed out on foot.
As I approached the busy intersection, I could see the bus down the road. I looked both ways & stepped into the street to cross the road. Instantly, the visual I had on the bus was gone. I could not make sense of what I was seeing… it was a jumbled up mess. Then I realized- I’m being hit by a car. Then silence; then, darkness.
The next thing I remember is opening my eyes & seeing the sideways view of traffic lights in the intersection cycling from green, to yellow, to red. I was laying on my side, in a puddle, in the middle of the road. More specifically, the left hand turning lane in a puddle in the middle of a six lane intercity highway.
“I’ve been hit by a car,” I thought. Then the pain came; deep, sharp pain on the right side of my neck & shoulder. “My neck is broken.” The pain was so severe & so acutely located, I knew immediately it was broken. I knew I shouldn’t move because my spinal cord could become severed; or maybe it already was? I tried to wiggle my toes- I think they moved? I’m not sure.
As the rain came down, I stared at the traffic light cycling through it’s colors at a steady rate.
Green. Yellow. Red.
Then I had a bone chilling thought. “It’s dark & rainy. I’m laying in the middle of Knight Street, the direct route for semi-trucks to pick up goods at the Port of Vancouver, BC. … I might be about to get run over again.” I cringed at the thought.
Green. Yellow. Red.
I knew the only thing I could do was wait for help. I tried to take a deep breath but I couldn’t. I didn’t know it at the time, by sternum had broken & both of my lungs had collapsed.
Green Yellow. Red.
Eventually, although I couldn’t move, I sensed that there were people around me; they were trying to figure out if I was still alive. One leaned down close & asked me a question I can’t remember. I tried to speak, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t move my mouth or my tongue to make sounds. I wanted to say, “My neck is broken, don’t move me!” I knew if they tried to administer CPR, my spinal cord might get severed and there was nothing I could do.
Green. Yellow. Red.
The only thing I could do was to try to breathe the best that I could & wait for the paramedics to come & help me.
Green. Yellow. Red.
As I laid in a puddle, in the pouring rain, I felt this sense of calm wash over me. Surrendering to the the present moment; to what is. Surrendering to reality of severe trauma and the unknown. Everything I had ever learned in my life about healing, compassion and mindfulness kicked in and I just kept talking my to myself in my head. “All you can do is wait.”
Green. Yellow. Red.
After what seemed like eternity, the paramedics finally arrived. They asked me where I was injured, and after several attempts, I was able to squeak out a very strained, “My neck.” After that, things are a bit of a blur. I remember them cutting off all my clothes & their shock when I did not have the body parts they were expecting. But I was starting to loose focus, as the most severe pain I have every experienced in my life was beginning to creep in; & it would get much worse before it got any better.
It’s been a LONGGG road to recovery. Many ups & downs. But the experience of acute physical trauma& living with the chronic pain & disabilities that remain, has forced me get really clear about my priorities; about what I really want in life. I know that when something is extremely challenging for me but I refuse to give up; it means I really want it.
That’s how it’s been with goldsmithing. Although I’ve come quite a long way since I started my training back in 2015, it’s still a real challenge for my body somedays. But the thing is, when my pain is bad, most things are a challenge, so why not spend that time doing something I love? It feeds my heart in such a deep and nourishing way, that I keep striving; slow & steady. Little by little, I am learning the ancient ways of my ancestors. I feel them smiling. And the thing is, it’s a path I’m not sure I would have found if I had not almost died 13 years ago.